Judy H. Wright aka Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach asked:


Making friends is a skill, just like playing the piano or riding a bike. Skills can be learned and behaviors can be changed. While it may require more effort for some people to be comfortable in groups, it can be learned, especially if the child is willing to put forth the effort and knows that she has your support.

Be sure to encourage a child’s positive efforts to get along with peers and to find a friend, even when it appears that such attempts are not meeting with success. Remind her of the fine qualities that she has that will add to the friendship when just the right person comes along.

Another reminder is that making just the right friend for her may take some time and not to give up. Help her to see what she has to offer as a friend. For example, you might say: “I really appreciate it when my friends call me and invite me places. It makes me feel welcome and accepted. Even on the times when I am not able to go, I still feel good to know they thought of me. That is why I treat them with kindness and respect, because that is how I want to be treated.”

In my workshops I find it helpful to make a list of what people look for in a friend. You may want to make such a list with your child. After brainstorming it is easy to include such things as:

• Trustworthy

• Kind and compassionate

• Willing to share happy and sad times

• Loyal, will watch my back

• Sense of humor

• Positive attitude, upbeat

• Similar interests

• Fun to be with

• Not be too possessive or needy

• Cooperative

• Enjoys being with me
If you look at the list, almost never does it include psychical attributes, they are all character traits and inner personal skills. If we don’t have those skills, we can work on obtaining them by practicing a little each day until it becomes automatic action. It is this attitude of openness and willingness to share that is communicated to those we would like to be our friends.

The irony is that people, young and old, tend to blame outward appearances for lack of friends, when it is the inward attitudes and character traits that are longed for in friendship. We are not searching for lovely nearly as much as loyalty in a companion and buddy.

When we realize that it is not our big ears, speech impediment or color of skin that stops others from befriending us, as much as it is how we treat others and feel about ourselves, we will have more to offer a friendship. As you encourage making a list of what the child is looking for in a friend, be sure to mention that appearances may be deceiving. She may very well know many in her class who are also looking for just the right person to hang around with.

Hopefully, your child will draw her own conclusions that she is a valuable person and has much to bring to a relationship. And likewise, there may very well be many people who meet the criteria of a friend that she has been overlooking.

It is more empowering for a child to list her own positive qualities that will make her a valuable friend than for you to do it for her. This is her work, but you are the support team. You cannot make your child happy, popular, talented or attractive to other children. If you think you can, you will be setting both of you up for disappointment and a great deal of frustration.

What you can do is offer her suggestions, assistance, opportunities and options. Hopefully, she will recognize the clues of social interaction and ‘click’ with a good group of friends who will support her in her school years and become life long buddies.

How you manage social situations affects the way your children view social interaction. If you have meaningful relationships that add pleasure to your life, they will see that and want to have the same thing.

I also do Confidence Coaching for young adults (8 to 18) Call me for more information.

© 2008 by Judy H. Wright, Parent Educator, Author and international speaker on family relations. Ph: 406.549.9813 You may reprint this article, but please keep the contact information and content intact.

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Christina Hoag asked:

If we searched for the meaning of paranormal we would find reference to psychic sense, telekinesis, Near death experiences, and many others. Paranormal basically means that which stretches beyond our normal realm of understanding. It is a phenomena that can not be classified with any scientific methods nor has clear cut answers that can be logically concluded.

In the class of paranormal or super natural comes the term of haunting. The term instantly draws up images of “ghosts” . Long stereo typed as a passed soul so unsettled they wander the earth in sheets or chains bellowing boo at every living person they came into contact with. The ideas of ghost or haunting has matured over time and moved past a lot of these stereo typical images , although still very much misunderstood, an openness has invented a need to further explore this realm of the Haunted.

There are several classifications of hauntings that most commonly known ghostly like disturbances fall under. They are in no means the infinite answers, as paranormal itself is still something that holds not any proven answer as it is defined. So we need to keep ourselves open to not having all the answers. I am going to give a brief overview of the currently common known types of hauntings, and how they manifest.

1. Residual energy or memory hauntings.

These types of hauntings appear to be repeats of events, memories that seem to be carried out in an almost scripted type reaction. Like playing a movie over and over again. This type of haunting usually involves a repeat of the same type of activity on a regular basis. The most common type of haunting, does not usually involve an actual spirit or ghost. It is believed to be energy from some type of event, usually significant in ones life that becomes imbedded in its surroundings of that time. Perhaps tragedy or even that of great joy can become so strong in its energy that it builds a “life” of its own. Like a tape player the event plays out over and over again.

2. Human or intelligent haunting

I use human loosely as this can also involve any once living creature. These types of hauntings are able to show some sort of communication in real time. It is believed to be a spirit or intelligence that is still aware of what is going on in the current surroundings and time. They often make responses to communication, or disruptions in their environment. Some classify this type of haunt as uncrossed spirit, or trapped. I would not make an assumption that this is always the case. Some records of ghostly intelligent hauntings have shown to be a communication of some type of warning or a message of hope to those left behind. Like the use of a medium in relaying that message, not all intelligent classified hauntings are seeking our help, they may be their to try to help. In terms for our topic though, these actual intelligent hauntings you would find to be able to communicate in some form and not sticking to one particular routine as in a residual haunting.

3. Poltergeist or noisy ghost

These types of haunting seem to lead more to the belief that they are either an attachment to a living being or an actual manifestation by a living being. In most cases of poltergeist activity objects move, and things are disturbed in a focus around a particular individual. The common ingredient is usually an adolescent, female is the most the most common. Some link this type of paranormal phenomena to the mind of a disturbed living being, either suffering from depression, rage or even possibly abuse. Another angle on this leads to the next type of haunting as a entity or ghost may attach to somebody fitting this criteria as a means of feeding off their energy or using it to aid in their own manifestations.

4. Inhuman or “demonic” haunting

I will touch this type of haunting from an outward pre defined perspective , I do not fully agree or disagree with the way this is described or referred. In general terms of haunting , as something that disturbs or disrupts the “norm” this type of haunting is classified as primarily malevolent. Like an intelligent haunting, this haunting involves the presence of something with intelligence but the difference is in the belief that this type of intelligence has never been in human form. Often associated with things that are summoned, as with a Ouija board or other dimensional tool, this type of haunting usually begins as harmless play and grows increasingly more frightful. It is believed this inhuman entity is usually angry, or holds hatred for human life, and seeks to cause harm , physically and emotionally through fear. These types of hauntings can appear as some class as a demonic form, resembling a “devil”. They can link to such things as the ideas of possession.

5. Nature Spirits

This may or not be felt it belongs in hauntings at all but I think it is a part that is rarely addressed and needs to be looked at. Nature spirits like the last type, are not what is classed as ever being human. A highly intelligent haunting that is rarely seen and little known about. Nature spirits fit’s a wide range of beings looked at as something from a fairytale or a child’s imagination. In the case of haunting again as a frightful type happening, these nature spirits are usually associated with a particular area as a form of guardian or caretaker. They seem to dwell in certain places frightening those who try to enter their “sacred” spaces. This is a general classification, as sometimes these nature spirits depending on their type may fit as well in the inhuman type haunting and attach for no known reason or origin to certain place, person at any given time. However in most cases the presence of a natural spirit is linked to a place having some type of historical or sacred significance in common folklore. Common types of nature spirits include, fairies, sylphs, elves, gnomes and even trolls to name just a few.

There are probably more classifications out there that can be parts of these types of hauntings or separate all on their own. This is in general how hauntings are classed. In perspective, as a sensitive, this may not be how I see everything or have experienced. I do hope it opens a door for communication and perhaps a deeper research independantly or jointly with groups.